Monday, May 14, 2012

When I Forgot to Wear Deodorant

I was getting ready for school, and somehow, I forgot to wear deodorant. My brother was giving me a ride to school and on a red light, I remembered. "Oh shit," I thought. I knew that for the rest of the day, I was going to be battling not letting anyone smell me.

The weird part is, when I hadn't noticed, I felt fine. But as soon as I noticed that I forgot, my armpits felt hot and sweaty. I wonder what would have happened if I would have never remembered all together. I'm a hairy person, so I can't afford NOT to wear deodorant. Time for another crappy day at school. I had a white sweater on, so I was making the decision if I should leave it on. On one hand, it's gonna make me sweat more, but on the other hand, it'll probably shield all the bad odor from escaping. I decided to leave it on.

It's amazing how much shit goes through your head. You're a genius in your head. But all the world sees is a body. They have absolutely no clue of how much goes on in your head.

It was a terrible idea, I felt the heat coming from underneath my arms. So uncomfortable! I tried to avoid everyone as much as possible. No long conversations. No raising my hand for obvious reasons. No flirting with girls. Too risky. I'm ashamed to say this, but this wasn't the first time I forgot to wear deodorant. Sometimes I just forget! And I remember when there's no turning back.

By the middle of the school day, I could already smell myself. It was horrible. "Why are you so quiet today?" a girl in my class asked me. "Oh, I'm just bored." Yeah right. You're a disgusting pig, that's why. You know how sometimes, you get stuck sitting next to that smelly kid in your class? That was me this time! I wonder if every smelly kid you've ever met in school was actually just someone who forgot to wear deodorant in the morning. He woke up late, showered, got changed, maybe ate, and ran though the door. The deodorant screaming in silence. Maybe telling the perfume, "Poor kid. He forgot me again."


Anyway, towards the end of the day, I had to sell tickets for some event. I was alone, sitting at a table in a hallway, selling tickets to students who passed by. As the bells rang, the wave of students would pass by and I felt like I was on fire. "Two dollars," I would say with an awkward smile. "Just leave the money on the table." There's no way I was going to lift my arms up in front of people.

I felt stupid for forgetting again. What an idiot, I thought. But then I made it even worse.

I was at the table in an empty hallway. Everyone in class. I texted a girl I had a crush on. I'm bored, I told her. You always feel a lot better when you talk to your crush. So in the middle of all of this temporary happiness, I ask her out to eat after school. She said yes! She never says yes to me. She usually made up excuses. I told her I would meet her outside after school.

"My armpits!" I remembered. I can't let her see me like this. What if she thinks I smell bad all the time and hates me forever? I couldn't just text her back and say, "you know what? Nevermind." The final bell rang and I went to my locker. While I was heading outside, I saw her by her locker. Putting on her black coat and putting her books inside. She was happy to see me. She was beautiful I thought. Which made me more nervous. Which made me sweat more. We went to some restaurant. They closed it now. It was probably opened for like a few months. I forgot what it was called.

We talked about random things. The actual conversation seems really vague to me. But we sat by a window and I remember seeing a bunch of kids dancing right outside. No idea why. Maybe they smelled me. And were actually just squirming. The whole time I wondered if she knew how bad I smelled. I was unsure. But she seemed detached. Like something was bothering her back home and was constantly thinking about it. I did not enjoy it at all.

We finished eating and stayed talking for a while while she waited for her bus. "It's gonna come in ten minutes," she finally said, while tracking the bus on her phone. "I'll walk you to the bus stop," I said.

(How most of my dates go.)

Then my heart sunk to the deepest abyss in the ocean. Where no light reaches the bottom. And the weight of the water crushes you into a bland, tasteless pancake. With no syrup. Oh you like bananas on yours? Forget about it!

We could see the bus approaching, and I extended my arms a little for a hug. But just a little. Like how when you stick your hand out for a handshake, but the other person doesn't notice so you have to play it off like you had some kind of tick. She didn't hug me. And I knew she saw me extend my arms. It was obvious. There was a long pause of silence. I felt like an idiot. She looked like she almost was about to, but then she pulled away. "Bye," was all that finally escaped her mouth. And she got on the bus. The unopened umbrella that dangled by her side reminded me of myself. I felt like a useless item that was brought along for a reason (the rain), but I ended up not being used. Just extra weight now. A hassle.

I knew then that she had smelled my bad body odor. I felt red. Maroon even. I hugged her all the time in the hallways without a problem. So I knew she knew. So I felt crappy. I saw the bus leave, and I just stared at it in the distance until I walked the other way. I missed my chance I thought. And I did. I never saw her again.

(where's the umbrella when you need it?)
You'd think I would learn after that experience, but I'm ashamed to say it happened again. Again on my way to school. But this time I had an idea. I knew my friend started school about an hour later than I did, so I texted him to bring his deodorant. We met in the hallway. "You have it?" "Yeah." It looked like we were drug dealers. We went in the bathroom and when he took it out, it was a roll on deodorant. I thought he was going to bring body spray, but no. I almost hesitated. Something about sharing deodorant seems gross. But nonetheless I put it on. He saved my life.


I wonder, am I the only one who has gone through this? I told a friend of mine the story the other day and he just said, "you forgot? That's disgusting!" Is it so uncommon for someone to forget that? Like if somehow it's perfectly normal to forget your wallet, but you better not forget your deodorant!

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